Posts Tagged ‘detective’

Gloating

Sunday, February 6th, 2011 by ahorner

I’ve got no desire for morals,
And no conscience to rely on;
No time for resting on my laurels,
Don’t need a shoulder here to cry on.

My moral compass is berserk;
It’s like the Triangle of Bermuda.
But where amateurs become irked,
I simply meditate like Buddha.

I’m not afraid to tell a lie
Concealing murderous intent;
A lesser murderer might cry,
But I will simply say, “Get bent.”

Assassins less talented may assume
I’m some sort of rank newcomer.
But they find in the interrogation room,
I’m cooler than any cucumber.

Yes, I’m a roguish, fiendish pro;
No calmer a killer is there than I –
Someone was murdered here moments ago?!
…It must have been some other guy.

Jack Magnum, P.I. and the Case of Mistaken Identity

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011 by ahorner

Every city has its secrets, and one of those secrets is usually something about the number of men who have been murdered trying to learn the rest of the secrets. The world of a private investigator is a dangerous one, but a little danger never deterred Jack Magnum, P.I. from taking a case before, and it wouldn’t today. It started off like any other day, with a knock on the door, swiftly followed by an unrealistically beautiful woman walking into his office. The first words out of his mouth had been, “Why do you keep calling me Jack Magnum? It sounds like a porn star name. I don’t care how you get your rocks off, buddy, but leave me out of it.” The entrancing beauty before him smiled a smile that didn’t reveal much information at all about why she was smiling.

He’d dealt with women like this one before. In fact, he dealt with one every single episode except that one holiday special a few seasons back. But that didn’t stop him from being lured in by her beauty, convinced that this one would somehow be different from the seventy-five others that preceded her. Jack Magnum had a reputation as a ladies’ man, and he aimed to keep it that way. As she sat in silence, apparently collecting her thoughts, he raised an eyebrow at her, wondering what this cat had dragged in for him. “Seriously dude, my name’s Howie. Howie, with an ‘H’. It doesn’t sound at all like Jack. And there aren’t even any women here; you just walked up and started telling some ridiculous story.”

The beauty let a few crocodile tears spill down her cheek as she told her story. Jack Magnum didn’t believe a word of it, but he nodded consolingly in all the right places so she would think he was buying into it anyhow. It didn’t matter whether or not he believed her, in any case. There was some story behind her visit that he needed to get to the bottom of, and the quickest, surest way to do that was to simply play along. He needed her to cut to the chase. “Come on, man, another customer just walked in the door, and you’ve been going for like six minutes with this crap. The morning rush is about to start, and I don’t feel like explaining to my manager why some story-telling joker has been holding up the line for half an hour. If you’re going to order something, please just do it now. You can tell your story over in the corner or something.”

Jack Magnum, P.I. took an order for a mocha latte, low fat with no whip. The woman did not leave a tip. She hoped there wasn’t any spit in her coffee.

The howling monster in apartment 602

Sunday, January 9th, 2011 by ahorner

It was eerie, Inspector David Holscom decided, peering into the room, but he didn’t have to be a goddamned detective to feel unsettled. The floor was littered with blood and spent ammunition, but that wasn’t too upsetting; this line of work had a way of desensitizing you to violent crime scenes over time. What was really troublesome was that six automatic weapons had been completely unloaded in this tiny apartment, and there was nary a bullet hole or ricochet in sight. This much firepower should have reduced the walls and door to splinters, but forensic evidence seemed to suggest that every bullet now lying on the bloodstained linoleum had simply fallen to the ground upon leaving the muzzle.

For all the lack of gun-related damage, the source of the blood was actually more disturbing. The six seemingly useless weapons had been fired by six burly men—the six corpses now decorating the floor. Every single one of them lay face down, his throat slit with surgical precision. There were no other injuries to be found. Holscom recalled what he had been told during the briefing: “Looks like some joker brought a knife to a gun fight and won.” Eyeing the bodies on the floor, he didn’t find this amusing in the slightest. “Looks more like a goddamned scalpel than a knife,” he muttered under his breath, still trying to wrap his head around what the hell had actually gone on in here.

The call came in about three hours earlier, some old biddy ranting and raving about a howling monster and gunfire in her apartment complex. Only two officers had been dispatched to the location, fairly certain that they’d end up having to sedate some lunatic grandmother who skipped her meds. The call back to headquarters had been an urgent and entirely unexpected one.

This “howling monster” was the most unnerving thing of all. There was simply no trace of any such thing, but the lady who placed the call, one Missus Grace Alburn, was quite adamant that she’d heard it, describing it as a combination of a steam train and a wildcat. She seemed to have her wits about her, and at this point it made about as much sense as anything else in the room, but Holscom couldn’t find any way to piece it together with the rest of this absurd crime scene. There was no destruction or carnage—just six dud firearms and six slit throats.

The dead men all had criminal records long and intricate enough to round out an encyclopedia, so there was no real loss there. But the Inspector found himself thinking he would rather be locked in a room with these six clowns than with the “howling monster” that ended their lives. He turned away from the gruesome scene, trying to fathom the sort of person that could strut into a room, safely ignore a minor battalion of automatic weapons, and murder the men wielding them without leaving a single fingerprint or trace of evidence. The kills looked like the work of a trained professional, but getting into the room without being riddled with bullets would have been impossible for even an assassin of the highest caliber. “What a fucking mess,” Holscom sighed, massaging his temples as he stepped back into the dim lights of the corridor outside apartment #602.